Copyright The Quipping Queen 2005.

ELEVEN THINGS TO DO ON A BORING DAY

Or, how to put a little zip, zap and zuggers back into your life

By: Theolonius McTavish, a recovering “to-do-list” and clock-watching sort-of-person with a freezer full of vintage TV-dinners, ten pounds of low-carb Popsicles, 34 flavors of pop-tarts not to mention enough microwave-friendly pepperoni and pineapple pizzas to feed a platoon of pool sharks

“Boredom numbs the work world,” read the headline in an obscure academic journal called “The Rock Paper Scissors Review”, (published by a well-meaning, eminently-respected editor and redundant researcher from the “Centre for Addlepated Adult Development” in Goobies, Newfoundland).

Of the approximately 50,000 globally-based cubicle dwellers, nose-to-the-grindstone grunts and sky-is-falling supervisors surveyd by Dr. Bodikin Scrabster, most had to admit they didn’t truly “love” their Joe-jobs, did not genuinely “adore” their ‘we’re-all-in-this-boat-together exhilerating team-building experience’, nor did they jump for joy every morning at the prospect of returning to the widget work they did everyday.

So, rather than cry over spilt milk, cry in your beer or cry at the moon as many hum-drum souls do …here are eleven things you blessed sods can do to put a little zip, zap and zuggers back into your higgledy-piggledy, hugger-mugger life (on the catatonic corporate treadmill).

1. CREATIVE CATNAPPING: Write a classified ad for a professional one-eyed, one-horned, flying-purple people eater in your organization, (keeping in mind the mandate, responsibilities, and performance objectives required to keep the powers that be happy)!

2. FRUGAL FASHION FUN: Visit a consignment goods store or a flea market to look for the makings of your affordable, hand-me-down Halloween costume this year. (Remember, no more than $10.00 on this outlandish outfit…so, what is it?)

3. FUNNY-BONE EXERCISE: Using a large magnifying glass, please peer into your local telephone directory and spot as many funny named individuals, businesses and organizations as you can find. (Winners will receive their personalized sceptre and crown at the next Prince or Princess Jellybean inauguration ceremony).

4. MERRYMAKING MOVIE MOGUL: You have just been awarded the GOLDEN-FOREFINGER for the funniest movie of the year, (hint: it’s the one you wrote, produced and starred in), so what’s the title, what’s it all about, who plays alongside you, and what’s the opening line?)

5. INVENT A NEW FUNNY FAST-FOOD PRODUCT: Your task is to come up with a new affordable, easy-to-make, and unique fast food that will have everyone rolling in the aisles including your family members, work mates, (oh…and even your pesky pooch will love it!)

6. TERRIBLE TIE or T-SHIRT DESIGN: Your challenge is to create a new tie or t-shirt that will win the best prize for poor taste, eccentric design, or just plain weird manufacturing (…your task is to come up with the images and/or words that fit the bill)!

7. GRAFFITI APPRECIATION: You must photograph or verify with eye-witnesses that you’ve found at least 50 anonymous greetings or messages lying somewhere about on walls in your community. (And be prepared to submit one message explaining why you’re recommending it for an award).

8. FUNKY TEAM-BUILDING & FRIENDLY CHALLENGES: Your task is to organize three special events: a wheelbarrow race, a three-legged race, and a sack race in your workplace or neighborhood. (You must recruit the participants, judges, not to mention arrange sponsors for prizes, and conduct the awards ceremony - So, what are you waiting for …Get out and do it!)

9. ZUGGERS! Your task is to conduct an impromptu survey among family members, friends, or utter strangers to find out their definition of “zuggers”. (Be prepared to present a short summary of your findings before your peers and let them in on what the heck “zuggers” are and why they’re important in life!)

10. HOST A TACKY TOUR OF YOUR CITY: A long-lost relative is coming to town tomorrow, and you’ve been asked to become a “Tacky Tour Guide” for the day. Prepare a list of 10 places (and accompanying description of outstanding features to be encountered), so your relative will never forget the visit to your wacky end of the world).

11. CHOOSE THE WORST SONGS EVER WRITTEN: Your high-school grad class president, (whose name you can’t remember or worse yet …disliked intensely), has asked you to prepare a list of 10 of the best songs written (according to you of course). You’re going to turn the tables and give him a list of the Top 10 Worst Songs Written and you’re going to perform three of them. (Prepare the list, identify what instrument you will play if any to accompany your three choices, and practice …a candid camera awaits you!)

And when you’ve done all that — give yourself a pat yourself on the back — because you’ve earned it!

Nothing like tooting your own horn and taking credit for spending the entire day banishing the blues and boredom from your life! (NOTE: Please make your own frigging first prize red ribbon, you’ve got ten fingers and a blinking brain haven’t you!!!)

About the Author

Theolonius McTavish prides himself on being able to wiggle his ears, nose and pinky finger all at the same time (which entitles him to an honorable mention and potty place in the Court of the Quipping Queen)

HEALTHY LIVING FOR
THOSE LESS WILLING

America is preoccupied with the subject of weight - more specifically about too much of it being attached to our bodies due to the over-consumption of food, and too little exercise and rightfully so. Too many of us are saturated fat-eating, overweight, sedentary creatures, statistically speaking that is. This article however is not about obesity or the joys of exercise, this is by no means that profound. This is for those of us who know we are overweight, don’t exercise and disinclined to do anything about it, translation, we’re lazy. Summer is coming, the beach will beckon and we will oblige, exposing much flesh. So now is the time to get serious about exercise, and here are the facts. “All exercise burns calories for they involve movement and energy is required for every movement. The calorie burning ability of each exercise depends on the speed and/or force at which the exercise is performed. This proves the calorie burning potential of an exercise can be increased depending on an individual’s motivation for that movement. Imagine you want to run to get to a shop before it closes. The desire to run fast will be low because the importance is low, after all if you don’t make the shop in time you can always go another day. As the importance is lower the calorie count will be far less compared to a sprint needed to escape a dangerous situation. The reason for this is simple, there is now a great desire to run fast in order to survive. An intense effort produced the desired effect - faster leg movements, all down to the motivational level of the individual.” You got that right?
Now for my exercise regiment, but before I begin, I must inform you that due to the frequent absence of motivation the plan has been thwarted on more occasions than I care to mention, however this week is looking pretty good.
On Mondays if I am feeling especially spunky I will leave my car at a nearby shopping center and walk, about mile to and from my commuting point, clever huh.
On Tuesdays I stop at the recreation center on my way home, which is free to county residents, and use their universal gym. (I couldn’t afford a real gym’s membership if I wanted to and I don’t want to.) After about 40 minutes or so I feel the urgency to leave - haven’t quite figured out why that happens, but I go with it.
On Wednesdays I usually feel the need for a break. However, I do at least walk up the 50 moving steps to exit the metro station, that’s something - work with me people.
On Thursdays I power walk with Leslie Sansone on her 20 minute “1 Mile - Walk Away the Pounds” video tape. I am not sure if any pounds have actually walked away, but I remain hopeful.
I have claimed Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays as my days of rest and that’s final.
Check with me next week or perhaps the week after that for my next exercise regiment, I have a sneaking suspicion that motivation may be missing in action once again.
While we are in this healthy living mode let’s check out the food groups recommended by the USDA.
“The best way to give our bodies the balanced nutrition it needs is by mixing up the choices within each food group. (1) Consume a sufficient amount of fruits and vegetable while staying within energy needs. Two cups of fruit and 2 and 1/2 cups of vegetables per day are recommended for a reference 2,000-calorie intake, with higher or lower amounts depending on the calorie level. Choose a variety of fruits and vegetables each day. In particular, select from all five vegetable subgroups (dark green, orange, legumes, starchy vegetables and other vegetables) several times a week. (2) Consume 3 or more ounce-equivalents of whole-grain products per day, with the rest of the recommended grains coming from enriched or whole-grain products. In general, at least half the grains should come from whole grains. (3) Consume 3 cups per day of fat-free or low-fat milk or equivalent milk products. And finally choose low-fat or lean meats and poultry, and prepare by baking, broiling or grilling. Vary your choices with more fish, beans, peas, nuts and seeds. ”
Armed with this information, healthy living is just a sprint and a turkey burger away.
Unfortunately, my plan for healthy eating is now useless. After extensive research I was saddened to learn that KFC and Ben & Jerry’s did not make the list of recommended food groups. However, I will begin working on my healthy diet plan very soon but, right now the Colonel is calling.
Post Script - A reprieve is taken from all nutrients on the weekends. There will be no details forthcoming because it could get ugly.
Disclaimer - For those persons seriously looking to improve their health please disregard most of what you have just read and employ a legitimate exercise regiment and diet that suits your needs.

About the Author

I am a new writer and I enjoy writing, somewhat humorously about many issues, most often women’s issues. I think we need to take ourselves less seriously sometimes and embrace who we are and where we are now.