Pass through your local city in the early hours of the morning and you’ll meet an army of johnston compact road sweepers meandering around tidying up the mess left from all the drunken activities of last night. It’s a regular early morning time setting, and it often obscures the litter trouble we encounter. We don’t often give rubbish a consideration as we feel keeping the roads tidy is not our problem.

All the same, there is a subtle yet significant impact litter plays on human psychology. People are more likely to think an area is lacking law and order if litter is lying around, and hence criminals see rubbish as a latent signal for a chance of a mugging or robbery. The same signal produces some fearfulness in other individuals who are concerned they may be walking into a more unsafe neighbourhood and are wary of being assaulted.

There’s also the impact on the visual appeal of an area. Litter strewn around can make an area look unkempt even though it’s just been trashed by party revellers from the night before. This can damage the reputation of a location if people are visiting the location for this particular time and only find it in its unkempt state.

There’s no reason to throw rubbish if there are empty rubbish bins around the location. If there are no rubbish bins, or the bins that are there are stuffed, this is an issue to take up with the local council. Littering has a negative impact on everybody.

It simmers for months, years, maybe decades. The simmering continues until it reaches the boiling stage as it churns over and over. Then one day, perhaps without warning, it erupts and spews its deadly contents over everything on its path, pouring out devastation to the innocent below with its searing rage until it reaches its ending. And so it is in the life of a volcano.

Sadly, this same scenario presents itself in the lives of many on this earth. Someone says or does something that upsets or hurts you. Their perception may not see it the same way as you do, but because the issue isn’t aired and discussed, it remains buried within you. This angry or hurtful thought continues to fester, simmering until it reaches the boiling stage, and it erupts in some form as it spews its contents over all that is in its path, destroying much along the way.

Did you know that every time you recount a story which upset you on some level, you activate the pain into a deeper and stronger level? By the time you’ve told the story or thought the thought three times, you’ve increased your anger and stress and made the entire situation at least ten times stronger than the original episode!

Did you know that depression is simply anger turned inward? When a person doesn’t like something about their life or themselves, they become angry at themselves. But people don’t generally direct their anger at themselves. Instead they almost automatically turn the anger into blame directed at someone else so that they feel better. Problem is, the anger is still there, hiding within them. This anger will continue to fester until one day it erupts into illness, impulsive decisions, explosive behavior, depression, inability to move forward in their life, addictions, or a host of other negative and undesired expressions.

Something of great importance to understand is that each person on this planet has their own model of the world. What that simply means is they see things according to their truth, and it may look different than yours. Ask ten people to relate the same story and I can guarantee each story will be a little (or maybe a lot!) different. Ask the same ten people to share a dream of theirs and they will all be different.

The same thing is true in any relationship. Each person sees things according to their reference point - their beliefs, past experiences, ideas, thoughts. This is one of the wonderful parts of being a human being - we are all unique, one-of-a-kind. So it only makes sense that we might have different insights and perceptions!

Two friends who had been such close friends all through their college years had a difference of opinion. As a result they quit speaking to each other and went about their lives separately. Twenty three years went by and they never communicated with each other even though before they had been inseparable friends. One day they met unexpectedly. They began talking and catching up on their lives. They actually started to laugh and wondered how they could have let something so silly get in the way of their friendship so that they didn’t speak for 23 years. They had missed so much during those years that they could never get back.

Anger is a form of fear. You see, there are only two emotions in this world - love or fear. Anything of a negative origin stems from fear while all positive expressions come from love. People are usually taught from a base of fear - can’t have it all, you’re not perfect, you have limits, there are things you can’t have, there is never enough, people will hurt you, and so on. So individuals grow into adulthood believing life is hard and unfair, and live through those eyes. Living in this space keeps you small.

On the other hand, seeing life as exciting, an adventure, that you can do anything you want to do, that there are no limitations unless you believe that, and that love rules, creates an entirely different scenario. And one of the most important aspects of this life is forgiveness. When your eyes focus on loving expressions, you can understand that people have issues, that even if something seems directed at you it is really their stuff. You can choose not to take it on yourself but at the same time allow them to be where they need to be and still love them. Forgiveness does not mean, “What you did is okay to me.” It simply means, “I am no longer willing to carry around the pain in response to your actions.” You can still love someone even if you disagree. In fact, real unconditional love allows each of you to feel and believe what you want without changing the love. This is powerful and an incredible place in which to live!

Life is so very short, even if you live to be 100. People who live in fear are miserable even if they don’t admit it. Harboring anger, guilt, shame, hurt, or letting pride grab you, really only affects you. And someday, somewhere, when you may least expect it, it will erupt and spew its contents, destroying all in its path. Is this what you want for your life?

Take a minute right now and think about a person(s) with whom you’ve had an issue. Perhaps you haven’t spoken in years just as those two college friends didn’t. Isn’t it time for you to take the first step of releasing the hurt (victim mindset) and forgiving that person? Don’t let pride get in the way of repairing whatever you perceive is a grievance. Think about the happiness, peacefulness, and above all the love it can bring to you because you’d be letting go of the fear (negative) and allowing in the love (positive). The cost of hanging on to old wounds is way too high - the price of broken relationships can never be measured. Instead, choose to live in freedom and love.

My wake-up call was illness. Through the process of healing I learned that I had to forgive - first myself and then others. Once I forgave everyone my body and heart healed. In hindsight I realized how none of my perceived hurts mattered at all. Now that I live through the eyes of love, I can accept each person as a wonderful human being who is just as special as I am. I wish this for you, for it is the only way to live your life that makes sense and creates for you what you truly want and deserve to have - a life that is happy, invigorating, abundant, and full of love!

This article looks at strategies and gives advice to help people control their anger. I am sure that we all become angry from time to time and want to lash out at the people who are annoying us or who have let us down. This is course is not the answer and the article gives tips on how we should be responding to these situations.

I used to easily become angry and could not believe the way certain people were treating me. I wanted to teach them a lesson which would help them to mend their ways. The only way I could think of responding was by shouting at them, threatening them or by using violence against them.

I will give you an example of a situation where a person basically cheated me out of a large sum of money. I was looking at turning my front garden into a driveway and I had a number of people around to the house, all of which gave me a quote for the work.

I decided to accept a quote from John who seemed a very nice and trustworthy man. Him and his team spent a couple of days laying the drive during which I was keeping them well supplied with foods and drinks, we all got on very well.

He advised me not to park my car on the new drive for a few days to let it settle and become hardened. I waited a week and then drove my car onto the new driveway. To my horror the driveway dipped and I later found out from a friend that they had not put any hardcore (I think that is what it is called) down.

I tried to contact John but he did not answer his phone, I went round to see him and he would not answer his door. I became more and more angry and started to plan my revenge.

Walking away

I had many options through the courts which I could and did pursue. It was a lengthy process and John basically did not have any money to repay me despite eventually admitting responsibility.

I have now decided to let nature take its course and to walk away. This is not just from the situation above but from any similar event.

When me wife annoys me, I will just walk away to compose myself. I was once told to count to ten which is certainly a good idea. Being angry, like the way I always used to be, is not good for my health and causes me to become stressed, to become depressed and to lose sleep.

I now see people as apples in a bucket. Out of ten apples, three will be rotten. Instead of feeling angry at the rotten apples, I feel sorry for them.

I firmly believe in God and have now decided that I do not need to seek any form of revenge as he will be judge and jury on judgement day. At this stage these people will have nowhere to hide.

Living life this way is far easier for me and I only wish I had had this approach and form of anger management technique, years ago.

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It’s not breaking the eggs that does the lasting harm; it’s the continual walking eggshells. Emotional damage has a way of lingering in the times between resentful, angry, or abusive flare-ups. The empty, dull ache of unhappiness is most accurately measured in the accumulative effect of these small moments of disconnection, isolation, and dread. Take the

The following quiz reveals what it feels like to walk on eggshells day after day. Read it aloud - the objectivity in hearing your own voice say the words - especially your answers -is the first step toward healing.

If you live with a resentful, angry, or abusive partner, you probably have a vague feeling, at least now and then, that you have lost yourself. In your constant efforts to tiptoe around someone else’s moods in the hope of avoiding blow-ups, put-downs, criticism, sighs of disapproval, or cold shoulders, you constantly edit what you say. You second-guess your own judgment, your own ideas, and your own preferences about how to live. You begin to question what you think is right and wrong. Ultimately, your perceptions of reality and your very sense of self change for the worse.

The cold fact is that it’s hard not to lose yourself in the morass of what you should say or what you need to do (to keep things peaceful) and how you’re supposed to be at any given moment. If you have to be one thing one minute and behave a different way in another (depending on your partner’s moods), your confidence and sense of self can seem to disappear. You begin to feel that you cannot reclaim yourself or begin to feel better until he changes and starts treating you better.

The understandable but tragic expectation that you are dependent on him for your emotional well being is the first thing you must change. You must heal and grow, whether or not he changes. Although our inborn sense of fairness and justice tells you that he ought to be the one to make changes, your pain tells you that you need to become the fully alive person you are meant to be. This means that you have to remove the focus from him and put it squarely on you. Happily, that is also the best thing you can do the help him and your relationship. This book will help you reclaim your true sense of self. That is its primary goal. But it will also help change your relationship.

All the tools you need to heal are in these pages. All the tools that he needs to replace resentment, anger, or abusive behavior with compassion are also in these pages. The first part of the book is about reintegrating your deepest values into your everyday sense of self. This will make you feel more valuable, confident, and powerful, regardless of what your partner — or anyone else — says or does. As you read these pages and reconnect to your deepest values, you will naturally, forcefully, and compassionately demand value and respect from your partner. Your compassionate demand for change is likely to be the only thing that will motivate him to once again be the man you married. But whether or not he changes, you must connect with your enormous inner value, resources, and personal power to stop walking on eggshells and to emerge as the richly creative, beautiful whole person you truly are.

The Worst Things

One of the worst things that can happen to your health and happiness is to live with a resentful, angry, or abusive partner. The worst thing you can do to your soul is become a resentful, angry, or abusive partner. And the worst thing you can develop in a love relationship is an identity as a victim, which destroys your personal power and solid sense of self. The cry I hear over and over again from women who walk on eggshells is, “I don’t like the resentful, angry person he’s made me.”

To stop walking on eggshells, you must overcome abusiveness and victim-identity. Your emphasis must be on healing, growth, and empowerment. The true issue at stake is your core value - the most important things about you as a person - not his behavior or your reaction to it. As you reinforce and reconnect with your core value, you are far less likely to be a victim. As you experience the enormous depth of your core value, the last thing you will want to do is identify with being a victim, i.e. with “damage” or with bad things that have happened to you. In your core value you will identify with your inherent strengths, talents, skills, and power as a unique, ever-growing, competent, and compassionate person. You want to outgrow walking on eggshells, not simply survive it, and you do that only by realizing your fullest value as a person.

You Both Walk on Eggshells

If you feel that you are walking on eggshells, you probably do not realize that your partner is, too, though in a different way. He is so reactive to you and so unable to regulate his reactions that he constantly expects you to say or do something that will “push his buttons” and “make” him withdraw or attack. He feels that you are totally in control of his emotions, and all he can do is pout or shout like a defiant child. He feels that you control him.

The Pendulum of Pain

Please do not make the mistake of thinking that you can heal yourself simply by getting in touch with your understandable resentment and anger and leaving your relationship. Most of the women who leave (or nearly leave) out of resentment and anger end up returning out of guilt, shame, and anxiety, when they see how lost their husbands seem without them. They enjoy a brief honeymoon period following the reunion, until the tension returns and the resentment and anger get overwhelming. So they leave again (or withdraw emotionally from their husbands), only to face renewed guilt, shame, and abandonment anxiety, once the resentment and anger subside. Sometimes economic considerations drive women to return to these relationships, but they are not the most compelling factor. Research shows that women with means return to walking-on-eggshells relationships as often as women who are financially dependent. My own mother, like many of my clients, was the sole support of our family, yet she returned to my unemployed, resentful, angry, and abusive father 13 times in my first 11 years of life.

This pattern of leaving (or nearly leaving) out of anger and resentment, only to return out of guilt, shame, and anxiety is a hallmark of walking on eggshells. I call it a pendulum of pain. It has nothing to do with your “indecisiveness” or your personality. It follows from the strengths of your emotions, from your attachment to your husband, which we’ll explore more in the next chapter. Resentment and anger at loved ones always resolve into guilt, shame, and abandonment anxiety. These painful, completely irrational emotions keep you attached to your husband no matter how bad the relationship is - these emotions developed in our brains at a time when to leave the tribe meant certain death on your own, by starvation or saber tooth tiger.

As long as you love someone, the only way to keep resentment and anger from turning to guilt, shame, and anxiety is to stay resentful and angry all the time. It might be safer if you did stay resentful and angry all the time, but that is probably not your nature. When your resentment subsides and your anger is exhausted, the pain of seeing someone you love in distress can become overwhelming and make you return to your now-remorseful, if not helpless, partner. However, if he does not learn to regulate his resentment, anger, or abusive behavior with compassion for himself and for you, the pendulum will swing back and forth, again and again.

Dr. Steven Stosny has demonstrated his highly successful recovery program on such national television programs as “The Oprah Winfrey Show,” “CBS Sunday Morning,” and CNN’s “Talkback Live” and “Anderson Cooper 360″ and has appeared on numerous radio talk shows. He has been quoted by, or been the subject of articles in, The New York Times, The Washington Post, The Washington Times, Chicago Tribune, U.S. News & World Report, The Wall Street Journal, Esquire, Cosmopolitan, Seventeen, Mademoiselle, Women’s World, O, The Oprah Magazine, Psychology Today, AP, Reuters, and USA Today. His website is http://compassionpower.com